Today I was thinking about this quote I read on the Internet, maybe it was a tweet, by some porn star or some kind of sex worker.

And when a sex worker has something to say about sex my ears perk up. If anybody knows what their talking about in terms of sex it’s a person that gets paid to do it. Of course I take all advice with a grain of salt but these words rang so true to me and also encompassed more than just sex, that I really took them to heart.

It was something like, it’s only S&M if the other person is enjoying it too, otherwise you’re just being a douche bag.

I guess what I was really thinking about today was all the things that I endured in my entire romantic history because couldn’t or wouldn’t or didn’t know how to speak up. A lot of it done in the name of dominance and submission. I’m talking about sex, but more than that I’m talking about situations related to everyday life. The day to day kinds of things. Some of it was abuse and my partner really was being a douche bag, but also there were times when it was on me. I didn’t have to do it, but for one reason or another I went a long with it or what ever.

That’s when it was me being a douche bag to myself.

I have plenty of excuses for myself and when I pick them apart it usually comes down to having a low self esteem and my insecurity issues. Especially when I was enduring abuse. Id never put up with that now that I know and feel better, but when I was low I was an easy target for predation and I actually, unintentionally, encouraged that kind of thing into my life.

That and I’m just naturally a people pleaser and yeah that especially goes for my romantic partner too. And I never want to change that about myself. Yeah my need to please has gotten me cursed more than a few times, but it’s blessed me a million more than that and I think it’s one of my best qualities.

But I guess that’s where my line gets fuzzy. Where does my pleasure from pleasing end and the pain of compromising myself start. Because they’re both a little intertwined, ya know. Sometimes you need a little bit of both going on at the same time.

But I’m not worried that my current bf would abuse me, he’d die before that happened and he’d probly kill to protect me from it, and Im not worried that I could slip back into my old ways where I’m gritting my teeth and biting my tongue. Mostly because my bf encourages me to stand up for myself, especially against him. He tells me, speak up ! And I do and I feel more confident already.

No more being a douche bag to myself or putting up with having them in my life.

I’m wiser and stronger and I have the right kind of people going on in my life.

I think that the world is going to be seeing a bolder and more assertive version of myself in the near future.

It turns out that my tattoo is a three or four session tattoo.

Not because it’s that large, but because it turns out that I’m bad at getting tattoos. I squirm and flinch and moan, like sex sounds, and curse and I even yelled once or twice. At one point I was seeing stars and I had to eat some crackers because my stomach was churning.

I’m hoping that it was because I’m on my period, and it’s a scientific fact that your body reacts differently to pain during menses, and not because I’m really that wimpy of a chick.

I’m super happy with how it’s turning out though.

I mean, it’s only half done and I’m sure the lines need some work after all the wiggling and jumping I was doing, but it’s looking pretty cool and it’s already 100 x’s better than the tramp stamp that I had there before.

I like how easily I’m adjusting back to being part of a couple. After being single for so long I was a bit worried that I might struggle with things like sharing so much of my time and space and heart and mind, especially my mind, with someone else, but instead it really just feels very natural. Well my bf, he’s just a really easy guy to get along with too. Very laid back and salt of the earth, so I feel very open and safe with him. He’s easy to love.

I might get a tattoo tonight.

On my lower back. Of a lotus blossom. Which should tie in nicely with the Phoenix that I’ll be getting on my chest, possibly. I mean that I might get the Phoenix on my chest, but I’m also considering having it put on my upper back. Either way a lotus blossom on my lower back is a nice way to start my botanical nature fantasy themed tattoo, as the lotus blossom is very stylized in a fantasy kind of way. I’ll post pics when it’s all done and looking perfect. I’m thinking that it’s going to be a two session kind of piece. You know like a good four hours to start with then in a couple weeks or whenever have it touched up. Or at least that’s how all my tattoos have gone. It seems like my skin doesn’t take ink very well and I always lose patches of it that the artist has to go back over later. My bf says that it’s because I don’t take care of it while it’s healing right and he could be right, he probly is, but also I think that it has to do with the way my skin heals and scars and things like that. The way my body reacts to the chemicals in the ink.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to that.

In other, more creepy news… .

There’s a prowler in my neighborhood of the apartment who’s going into ladies houses while they sleep. A couple ladies even woke up to him being in their bedrooms.

Exactly like how my stalker did to me.

And the prowler fits my stalkers description as well.

So of course I’m thinking that my stalkers weirdo behavior has escalated.

I was worried that it would escalate into murdering me in my sleep, but maybe it’s escalated into being a prowler. Maybe he liked drugging me and raping me so much that he’s started doing it to other women. Maybe the couple of women that woke up to him in their bedrooms and called the cops are just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe there are other women that are scared and confused like me and keep it a secret. Maybe their afraid no one would believe them and then twist things around so that they were the bad guy now. Maybe he has a lot of victims. Maybe he’s a serial rapist.

Maybe I’m just crazy.

Because I don’t really know if my stalker is the prowler.

But I tell you what I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if it was.

Anyways.

Hope he doesn’t read this and get mad and try to do something gross or disturbing or scary or try to sabotage me or whatever. Also I don’t want to hurt his feelings because I love him and stuff too.

I know, it’s weird and complicated and I’m planning on seeking therapy about it soon. I’ve talked to other stalking victims and it seems like it’s not an uncommon feeling to have towards your stalker. It’s like a kind of stolckholm syndrome.

Ugh.

I’ll be so glad when I never have to spend another night alone in this apartment ever again.

Sometimes I don’t like to talk about my feelings because they’re so fluid and huge and how can I describe something that I can barely get a grasp of or is so vast that I can’t find the edges of it.

And then I’m not sure how much of what I think and feel is ego and how much is just me. My instinct, my fears. You know.

What I feel like with my bf though, when I try to put all the emotions and all that other stuff aside is, is that I’m safe with him. He’s worth it. I found someone that I think is worthy of my time and effort. What I know is that I’ve found someone that I can build a love with and a life too. And I feel like I’m worthy too. Of him, of a life shared with someone who loves me, and needs me, and wants me.

And as for leaving my apartment behind, I am a little nervous about that. It’s an allusion of security that I’ve become very attached to and that’s not easy to let go of, but I’m ready. I’m not worried that things won’t work out with my boyfriend and I’m not worried about what would happen to me if they didn’t. Because I know that Id be just fine.

So, that’s the latest in school of hard knocks news.

I read I quote somewhere the other day. It was something about how chaos always precedes great change.

I got some chaos going on, but it’s the good kind and I’m enjoying it.

A lot!

On day two of my staycation I slept for twelve hours.

My feet feel great!

Today I’m going to try to clean up all the dog poop in my back yard. I was going to put it off until the very last thing, but it’s actually kind of weighing on my mind, instead of being able to forget about it. So I’m just going to get it done and over with. Also I think it’s gonna rain soon and I don’t want to be picking up soggy dog turds. I have rubber gloves and all that so I don’t have any excuses not to get it done and it really shouldn’t take me that long, my back yard is pretty small.

Then I’ll feel like I can relax a little more with that all done.

I’m going to start packing up my things this week to, I think. Our plan is to sooner than later move in with my boyfriend into his three bedroom two and a half bathroom house, but even if things didn’t work out with that and I needed to move into my own place again I know one things for sure, , , I am never coming back to live this life ever again.

This apartment is not anymore and will never be home to me again.

So my staycation starts in about a half an hour or so.

That’s when my sons dad comes and picks him up. Then Im running straight over to get into bed with my bf. I plan on spending my entire vacation doing boring stuff like taking naps and drinking beer and wine and having sex. Maybe take a drive up to the hot springs or something one of these days. I also have work to do around my house, like clean up my back yard, but I’m not thinking about that right now. I’ll save that for later.

Right now I’m about to go do some hardcore sex and napping.

WHEEEEEEE!

fearandhope:

Childish Gambino - Telegraph Ave. (Oakland by Lloyd)

So I’ve reined in my mushy love feelings a bit, out of striving for balance, you know. Took a step to the side and had a look at me and my bf. I’m liking what I’m seeing, but I’m also seeing things that I think need some consideration.

Things that I need to ask him about I guess. Like his lack of drive and ambition. Or what’s really going on with his finances.

It’s very suspicious.

Because the only people I know that are as poor as him are either drug addicts or alcoholics, having a nervous breakdown or are in some way mentally incompetent, or physically disabled. He may have a little bit of all of that, but he doesn’t really seem to have any excuse that I can see of why he isn’t rolling in dough.

Like, this is America and he’s an intelligent, talented and attractive white male, nobody has it better than that.

And I’m from the school where if you’re not making money, then you better find a way and if there isnt a way where you’re at you either go to where there is a way or create a way to make money. The only excuses for not making as much money as you can until you die is that you’re going to school, raising babies or are physically or mentally incompetent.

But on a deeper level it’s not even about money. I want a relationship for all the regular reasons including that it affords a kind of lifestyle that I can’t obtain on my own, but I know for experience that that is just a very small percentage of what I need out of a relationship to feel fulfilled or content. Security in my ability to eat and sleep comfortably are important to me, but I don’t need a lot of money for that. It’s about a compatibility in ethics and values. It’s about how a persons drive and ambition and passion for living are VERY IMPORTANT to me.

Is this person gonna help me build a life for us or are they gonna be dead weight.

Or worse, pull my under with them.

I think we’ll talk about that tonight.